Because of course we are. Did you think we’d let you down? Never, baby. We’re gonna stick with you through the end. And we’re gonna protect you, and give you expensive gifts and get all up in your business and maybe cross a few lines but only because we’ve never wanted someone as much as we want you.
Maybe you’ll get a little flustered. You might even wonder if there’s something, like, wrong with us because we’re always telling you what to do and threatening to spank you even though we met you, like, yesterday and that kinda shit takes a little bit more familiarity than what we’ve got, dollface. Also, we’re always yelling at you suddenly and you’re a little bit afraid of us and pretty curious why we’ve got so many hang-ups about food.
I’m sorry. We really don’t mean to be distant and unreadable. It’s just that serious emotional trauma hiding just underneath the surface has been a real turn on to the last fifteen girls we kept as NDA-protected sexual submissives. So go with what works, y’know? Speaking of NDAs and submission, have you looked at our contract for you yet? I know it’s really long and expansive and asks for your blanket consent to acts you’ve never even heard of since you’re The World’s Most Virginal Twenty-Something but I’m sure it’ll work out OK. I mean, sixteenth time’s the charm, right?
It’s all for your own good in the end. We promise. We’re pretty sure you’ll be able to fix us and make us into the perfect man if you’ll just obey us and always finish your food and not look in our eyes too often.
1. Punch him in the chest. Studies that we gesture at vaguely and never cite show that this increases blood flow, which can really heat up that “special time of night.”
2. Ok, alright. Seriously, I don’t know why we have to say this aloud but: you can do other stuff while having oral pleasantries. Hum, or like touch him anywhere that feels good while also totally fellating your mister-guy-boyfriend-FWB-lifemate. What a totally rad move, right?
3. When your BF is brushing his teeth, sneak up behind him and stroke him on the penis. Men’s libidos are raging out of control in the morning according to some divination we did in the office last Thursday, and who hasn’t wanted to enter their partner and have their way with them with a mouthful of toothpaste? Clean, yet dirrrty.
4. Eat something. Like, literally, anything. Experts agree that food contains nutrients which are key to biological processes. And is there anything better for turning up the heat with your dude-man-fella-guy than fully-functioning organs metabolizing energy to fuel that sexy-sex-romp-a-loo? No.
5. Spice things up tonight by just straight up grabbing your BF-dudebro-man on the testicles. The sudden shock of unnegotiated dominance will make him buck with lust, confusion, and previously repressed memories of the time a neighborhood dog bit him in his youth and he had to get stitches! Adrenaline!
6. Wear a red towel after your shower. Scientists have scienced that the color red, cleaning yourself, and things touching your body something something sexy something something I don’t even care anymore.
7. Paint a picture of breasts on your “girls.” And on each of those girls, yet more bazingas. Experts we talked to over lattes one time told us that guys-males-bros are way visual, and also that they’re major fans of Inception. Trust us, he’ll “have to go deeper.” Sexpun.